20) The Big Cry - Sarah's Guest Blog 2 - 4th November

The big cry

I asked mom the other day "do you think you have cancer? Is that what you believe is inside of your body?" Such a hard question to ask anyone, especially your mom. In the spirit of being blunt, like her and I have always appreciated, I faced the fire and asked anyways. 

Mom said yes, without any hesitation. Despite still not having the pathology reports from her biopsy back, mom seems to have a sense about it already. I really believe in honouring a persons feelings, listening to what their body is telling them, because no one will ever know our body better then ourself. And so despite wanting to scream no no no it just can't be cancer, the first trickles of acceptance of what my mom is dealing with is coming through. 

james, Liz, Sarah, Leigh-Ann & Earla

And then the big cry happened. It wasn't in mom's presence but during a counselling session I went to with my dear, kindred souled friend Elizabeth who has come to visit for a few days. Man did I let it rip hahaha One of those cries where I wondered should I stop so I can breathe but am unable to so you take gulps of air between sobs. Most of our family believes crying is a good thing and as mom says "have a good cry, and then you're good for awhile, well ok, you might have little cries between the big ones, but you'll feel better".  Wise words mom. I do feel lighter in heart.

Oh man though, I didn't want to cry. I haven't wanted to feel what I'm feeling. It's messy and confusing...frig, it changes almost hourly! But I think the big cry dropped my emotional wall down, or at least chipped away at it, haha, and I feel less tight inside. I will keep working on feeling my feelings because I don't want to be a tough martyr who puts on the strong face.

So where does hope fit in!? I still have this deep belief that my mom will survive and thrive from this terrible disease. Does accepting it's cancer lesson my hope? My counsellor doesn't think so. We talked about the miraculous healing power of hope, love and postivie thinking. She too gave me wise words "Sarah, keep having hope. Have hope until your Mom tells you not to". Again with the honouring :) 

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