I had inexcusable conversation with Earla when I vented all my frustrations. I then disappeared for three hours reluctant to return to the house. My refuge, Muddy Waters, was shut and, now, whilst I write this the Cassels and Kreager families are eating their Xmas dinner (without me).
That's because I am beginning to lose the plot and do not want to spoil their meal by being miserable and depressed around them. I just don't feel or want to be sociable. Whether they understand that or not I have no idea.
The irony is that it smells delicious and I am hungry. Stubbornness can work against you sometimes!
I was close to booking myself into a hotel this morning just to get away from everything but couldn't make myself do it because of Leigh-Ann.
She is in no condition to stay anywhere else and wouldn't understand now anyway. I spoke to her about it last night at about 4:00 am. She immediately agreed, got up and wanted to get dressed ready to go!!
I have not suffered from depression since I have been here so it is about time! I usually have a bout of it once a month so I have done really well so far. Everyone here should feel lucky!
I did share my depressed tendencies with them a while ago but they have probably forgotten by now as I have held it together for so long.
If any of them are reading this I can assure them that I will be good again in a day or two.
As Arnie Schwarzenneger would say, we all have our breaking point.
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| Harrison Lake - Boxing Day 2013 |
Leigh-Ann has been confused and suffering from double vision for a day or two and today she seemed to be suffering more than usual so we called Dr Bull, her pain specialist. Having described her symptoms he believes that the cancer has now spread to Leigh-Ann's brain and that it is the pressure of the tumour that is causing her new problems.
He prescribed a steroid which should reduce the effects by reducing the swelling. It's yet another pill but only one each day! Luckily it is in the shape of a pentagon so it is easily distinguishable and this should help avoid any mistakes being made with medication.
One great side effect is that it could also increase her appetite. So we better get shopping!
Right now she is wearing a party hat and eating a roast dinner. A funny sight. If I wasn't such an idiot I would be sat next to her.
Hey Steve
ReplyDeleteYour honesty and willingness to share is amazing. All of you are under incredible stress and all of you are under one roof. Not easy at the best of times and you are all facing the pain of letting Leigh-Ann go...the person you all love. You are human so don't be too hard on yourself. Think on how great you have all been doing this together and forgive the rest. Hope to have you for tea this week and meet Ernie. Take Care and love to Leigh-Ann Irene
Hi Steve...the one person that is forgotten at this time is the carer...and even the carer needs care. To see the person you love so much fade away in front of your eyes is the worst thing imaginable, especially the person, your wife, who you had expected to grow old with! Please try and stay strong call or chat with someone who you feel you can confide in and vent your feelings. Leigh-Ann is in some strange way understands what is happening,yet unable to do anything, this horrible disease is out of her control.
ReplyDeleteWhat ever happens talk to her, her hearing will be the last thing to fade, so let her hear your voice. Hold her hand and just be there with her, this will mean the world to her. You have become her rock, and she needs that rock to be strong.
Thinking of you all every second of every day. Xxx
Well Steve you have done well to keep it sorted this long. It has to be very hard on you no one will understand what is happening to you in all this. Leigh-Ann I am sure is there for you in her way. Love is very strong. Keep your chin up, and yes take some time for yourself once in awhile. You need that too. Here is a big hug for you. xxx
ReplyDeleteI don't know you Steve but I feel for you. I too have had a bout of depression and it can be hard to get out of. With all that is going on around you it is not surprising you are finding things difficult. You have so many different pressures. Living under someone else's roof whilst your life unravels before you and still trying to keep it together for yourself, caring for LA and running a business in another country. Something had to give. Don't be upset or embarrassed, we all say things under pressure we don't mean and I'm sure Earla will understand. You do need sometime to yourself to regroup and take stock of what is happening. It's unfortunate that it is this time of year when so much is also going on in the home and often heightens the normal families stress levels ... Of course your circumstances at present are not normal. Forgive yourself and don't beat yourself. LA needs you all to stay strong and be with her but that doesn't mean you don't all need a little break from caring just to relieve your own stresses a little. Carers are so often overlooked but they do a sterling job ... As was said in a previous message the hearing is the last thing to go ... So you all need to talk to LA so she is aware of your presence and can feel safe and comforted. Rest as much as you are able as this could go on for sometime. None of you should feel guilty of taking some time out or a little rest. There are plenty of you there to take care of her even if this has to be in shifts. Bless you all. My thoughts and prayers are with you all everyday. Most of all I pray that LA can be kept as comfortable and pain free as possible. Lots of love, hugs and kisses off you all. Lx
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