64) "Al Final" - 31st December

This is my final blog.

I know that I would forget to include many of Leigh-Ann's friends names in my last blog. I apologise for that. The problem was that she had so many friends. Many of whom were her friends before I knew her and some I have never met.

When we had a party at the padel club in 2012 we invited over 100 people and we could have invited more!!

She really was that popular, much more so than had I ever realised.

The blog has been visited over 25,500 times from 10 different countries. I don't think she knew that many people! so I think that her story touched many more around the world who were or are experiencing similar situations.

People have told me how strong I was to write the blog but I don't agree. It was a selfish act as it helped me feel better. As the following grew I also realised that it could be helping others deal with their own traumas and so I could not stop writing it.

Three months ago Leigh-Ann and I were playing padel at our beloved Club de Raqueta, we were cycling and running regularly. In August she told me that she was the fittest that she had ever been in her life. 

Leigh-Ann did not smoke and drank very little. She ate healthily (apart from the chips, that's Candian for crisps).

Leigh-Ann died just two weeks after returning from Maui. In Maui she was able to have normal conversations, ate quite well (we went out for meals), could drink and had the energy to be up and out and about all day albeit in a wheelchair.

Three days before her death we recorded a video message to her friends Mari Nieve and Francis in Spanish! She found this difficult but she was able to find the words she needed.

The speed of her decline since Maui was a shock but it was also a relief for me. Three days before her death she had given all three of us strict instructions not to offer her any more food or drink. She was ready to "go".

I believe that she was cognisant until the end. 24 hours earlier she was fully engaged in the meditation and alert when people visited.

She remained a good kisser and hugger throughout...

I think that she had the last laugh. She decided that she did not want to go to a hospice so she checked out of "Hotel Legault" early.

Thank you for everyone's support and kindness. It's been quite a journey.

Leigh-Ann does not want a funeral and will be cremated. Her ashes will return to Spain and spread, by her family, on her favourite beach (Burriana) early one morning when no-one is looking!

How I miss those little things that bugged me!

Goodbye Leigh-Ann, hasta luego guapa...

63) Adios guapa! - 30th December 2013

Leigh-Ann ha murió este mañana a la 7:15 Canada tiempo.

Leigh-Ann died this morning at 7:15 am Canada time.

Todavia ella tiene una sonrisa.

She died with a smile on her face. She was ready to go.

Ella quiere decir "adios" a su amigos en Neja:

Leigh-Ann wanted me to say "Good-bye" on her behalf to all her friends in Nerja:

Angela, Eduardo, Mari Nieve, Francis, Sonia de Tropysol, Luis de Dulce Gusto, Natalie de Bruxelles, Phillipe y Violeta y Valeria, Mari Docampo, Pablo y Carolina, Carmen Iranzo, Jose Maria y Melanie, Dave y Yvon Y Jori, Chris y Annie, Chris y Anna, Wendy y Mark,  Rob, Richie, Lena, Jo y Alavaro, Jaime y Elisa, Astrid y Michel, Michel y los ninos de Cosmopolitan, Lou y John, Sheila y Derek, Elaine y Tom, Alejandro y Jesus, Helen, Mark, Dave L y Kaylee y Alfie, Steve y Tessa y sus ninas Alice y Katie, Gema, David (camarero del club), Ernesto, Francis Varela, Juan Pozo, Clelia, Luis y Debbie, Oscar y Paul, Ingrid, Tony y Deborah y sus niños, Ken, Tony de Bruxelles, Mari Nieve y Omar del club y sus ninos, Johan y Jeanette y sus ninos,  Lucy, Sombra y Delilah (nuestros perros) y mucho mas...

Lo siento si yo he olvidado alguien. I am sorry if I have forgotten anyone.

62) Spirits - 29th December

Leigh-Ann saw "spirits" in her bedroom today.

It was shortly after a meditation "guided" by her long time friend, Irene. Sarah and Earla were also present. A few minutes later Leigh-Ann suddenly sat "bolt upright" and pointed towards the end of the bed and said with great clarity that she could see spirits. Lots of them.

Yes, I was at the meditation. As a "Med" virgin I did not know what to expect but Irene's words were poetic and soothing. That's good enough for me. The bedroom was calm and peaceful. Yes, okay! I found it beneficial. I admit it. Are you happy now?

Leigh-Ann and Sombra - September 2013

Leigh-Ann is no longer able to swallow and has stopped drinking and eating. This is a perfectly normal progression at the end of life. It is very hard for me to see her lying in bed with her mouth half open and her eyes partially closed sleeping and occasionally moaning.

But when she looks at you there is a smile in her eyes and on her face. Her smiling eyes say everything when she is unable to speak. She continues to brighten the room.

I lay next to her for hours thinking about all the adventures, sports and travel which we have enjoyed during our short time together: running, cycling, padel, Australia, Bali, Italy, England, Canada, touring Spain and our honeymoon in Maui. I am so thankful for the time I have spent with her.

At the same time I think about all the times when I wasn't so nice to her. There weren't many but there were some. How I regret those times now...

It has been an incredible journey, a wonderful two years.

Just a moment ago Leigh-Ann woke, gave me a gentle hug and a kiss and then flopped back on her pillow. She is still loves me!

Tomorrow we will take Leigh-Ann to the hospice where she will receive the best care and we can all simply enjoy being with her.

61) Hospice - 28th December

I could easily have got very drunk today and ended up walking the streets of Harrison singing sea shanteys and wearing my "Bondage" Father Christmas" outfit! 

Why? Because today Earla, Sarah and I decided that we were no longer able to effectively care for Leigh-Ann and that her current state of health presented a real hazard to her safety and we are not trained to look after someone at this advanced stage of illness. I think that decision will also save our relationships!

The Smile - Sydney 2013

My friends will tell you that I am not a big drinker so why get drunk? It is the sheer relief of knowing that from Monday I and there rest of the family can be just that, family, and not carers.

At the same time there is a deep, deep sadness becuase patients never return home from a Hospice and it represents the last stage of her life.

I (we) believe that Leigh-Ann is still able to take in much of what is going on around her but she is not able to communicate her thoughts. She has a very dry mouth and swallowing is becoming more of a challenge. These factors coupled with the effects of her medication, her weakness and her illness makes thinking and talking extremely difficult.

Her co-ordination is a big factor in our decision due to the fact that she is now falling quite often despite our best efforts and this presents a very real safety issue.

The entire extended "Cassels" family came to Harrison today to see Leigh-Ann. Whilst they all wanted to "visit" (that's Canadian for "see her") with her they were only allowed to come to the house in pairs and for a restricted period so that Leigh-Ann did not become over tired and everyone could then enjoy her company.

She knew who everyone was and became particularly lucid when the children saw her! She wore the biggest, brightest smile. She loved seeing everyone but especially the children.

Last night was the toughest night so far. Leigh-Ann struggled to sleep (that's a side effect of steroids) and wanted to get dressed and leave the house at 3:00 am. She would regularly sit up in bed and start talking. Then she would need to go to the bathroom (more than once). Bathroom visits now take about 20 minutes and may or may not be fruitful...

It was hard work settling her down but she finally fell asleep when I asked her to give me a cuddle and I held her in my arms for the rest of the night.

Tomorrow is another day. The family will still be here and we have a Home Care Assistant coming in the morning for four hours allowing us all to be together and relax.

One of my new brothers in law, Alan, brought a bike over today for me to borrow and I am looking forward to riding with him in the morning. I only hope that my legs are also looking forward to it?!

60) Things have changed - 27th December

This is the 60th Blog and the hardest one to write so far.

Things have changed considerably in the last 24 hours.

Leigh-Ann's physical and mental capabilities have deteriorated rapidly during the last few days and today the challenges we face in caring for Leigh-Ann have increased dramatically.

Leigh-Ann now needs constant attention. She cannot be allowed to stand and move without someone supporting her just in case she falls which she has done several times already. She is losing her coordination and finds holding her drink and taking her medicine difficult.

On a flight to Oz, Oct 2012

She can no longer climb the stairs without help, preferably with two people. Bathroom visits present the same problem. Leigh-Ann can no longer manage to drink on her own as she has spilt the contents more than once today! She struggles to communicate coherently and has started to "see" things again in the same way that she had done before when she was on Morphine a few weeks ago.

Today she has seen cats and dogs in the lounge, heard a donkey and seen colours on the walls and shining lights emanating from people's bodies.

So we have brought back into the house her "Walker", a commode and bed pan to try and make ours and her life less stressful.

All of this is very scary for all of us but I am now most worried about sleeping alone with her as her actions are now unpredictable and I do not know what I might have to deal with in the middle of the night.

It is a situation that we are not trained for but as a "team" we are meeting these new scenarios positively and doing the best we can and that's not been too disastrous so far. We learn from our mistakes and discuss our strategies for caring.

I think that we are all doing very well.

As you might deduce from my tone I am also doing much better after yesterday's "hiccup"!

As always she is quite calm and polite.

59) Double Vision - 26th December

It's not been a good day.

I had inexcusable conversation with Earla when I vented all my frustrations. I then disappeared for three hours reluctant to return to the house. My refuge, Muddy Waters, was shut and, now, whilst I write this the Cassels and Kreager families are eating their Xmas dinner (without me).

That's because I am beginning to lose the plot and do not want to spoil their meal by being miserable and depressed around them. I just don't feel or want to be sociable. Whether they understand that or not I have no idea.

The irony is that it smells delicious and I am hungry. Stubbornness can work against you sometimes!

I was close to booking myself into a hotel this morning just to get away from everything but couldn't make myself do it because of Leigh-Ann. 

She is in no condition to stay anywhere else and wouldn't understand now anyway. I spoke to her about it last night at about 4:00 am. She immediately agreed, got up and wanted to get dressed ready to go!!

I have not suffered from depression since I have been here so it is about time! I usually have a bout of it once a month so I have done really well so far. Everyone here should feel lucky! 

I did share my depressed tendencies with them a while ago but they have probably forgotten by now as I have held it together for so long. 

If any of them are reading this I can assure them that I will be good again in a day or two.

As Arnie Schwarzenneger would say, we all have our breaking point.

Harrison Lake - Boxing Day 2013

This blog is not about me, however. I have said too much about me already.

Leigh-Ann has been confused and suffering from double vision for a day or two and today she seemed to be suffering more than usual so we called Dr Bull, her pain specialist. Having described her symptoms he believes that the cancer has now spread to Leigh-Ann's brain and that it is the pressure of the tumour that is causing her new problems.

He prescribed a steroid which should reduce the effects by reducing the swelling. It's yet another pill but only one each day! Luckily it is in the shape of a pentagon so it is easily distinguishable and this should help avoid any mistakes being made with medication.

One great side effect is that it could also increase her appetite. So we better get shopping!

Right now she is wearing a party hat and eating a roast dinner. A funny sight. If I wasn't such an idiot I would be sat next to her.

58) Xmas Day - 25th December

Leigh-Ann continued to be confused today.

Her pain meds are working as she has no pain but they are making her confused.

She has complained of being "wonky" for a couple of days but cannot explain what "wonky" means.

We slept for 12 hours straight last night and got up at around 10:30 am. The house was quiet. Mark and Sarah had gone for a walk and to have breakfast.

Leigh-Ann and I got ourselves up and downstairs and after a drink and some fruit we wrapped our presents ready for Earla and Michel to return home in the evening.

Wrapping presents on Xmas Day

It was great to be able to wrap presents with Leigh-Ann. I was surprised that she was able to help at all. She cut the paper and applied the sticking tape!

I did the little cards which was a good thing as she kept forgetting whose present was for whom!

Mark and Sarah left early afternoon to go to his parents' house leaving us to watch a movie. By the time it had finished Earla, Michel, Andre and Sarah (Andre's girlfriend) returned home.

Christmas Day afternoon

It was a pretty quiet, uneventful Christmas Day but it passed without any drama.

57) Confused - 24th December

The person I knew three months ago in Nerja is not the person that is sleeping upstairs whilst I write this Blog on Xmas Eve.

The contrast was mainly physical until now. Leigh-Ann has lost so much weight that she has gone from a "Perfect 10" to a XXS and now probably a child's size.

Leigh-Ann made a huge effort to join me at 
Muddy Waters for Breakfast this morning

She has no energy, which is hardly surprising when she eats almost nothing day after day.
Walking is slow and Leigh-Ann needs supporting.

All the above has happened over the course of many weeks.

The recent change has been her cognitive skills which have deteriorated quickly over the last 48 hours.

Physically and mentally she is now where she was at the worst point when she was taking morphine for her pain several weeks ago.

Leigh-Ann is very confused. 

Have you ever asked a really old person a question and the answer has been slow in returning? And then the response is often a request to repeat the question? And this can go back and forth for a while until you decide to change the question for something simpler only to get the same response?

This is how Leigh-Ann is at the moment.

Conversation is, therefore, non-existent and I have to coax her to do things like go to the bathroom, take her pills, lay down and sleep. All these things are challenges not because she is resistant or argumentative but just because she cannot compute them.

A well earned sleep

It makes me very sad to compare her now to the beautiful, fit, sporty, articulate and funny Leigh-Ann that I met over two years ago in Nerja.

No matter what her cancer tries to do to her it will never take away who she is: Leigh-Ann will always remain a beautiful person: kind, generous, compassionate and loving.

56) Sleep Patterns - 23rd December

Pain medication for cancer affects your sleep pattern.

After a while the patient finds it hard to sleep at night and easier to sleep during the day.

This has happened to Leigh-Ann. 

Leigh-Ann this morning

Dr "Z", (a doctor with an unpronounceable surname), her oncologist, warned us about this change weeks ago when we got her prognosis.

It happened slowly but got to the point where Leigh-Ann would go to bed and sleep for 3 or 4 hours and then be awake until the morning following which she would "cat nap" all day until the cycle started again.

This was very frustrating for her. There's not much going on at 3:00 am in the Legault household... She did a lot of reading.

It was also difficult for me. My sleep was regularly interrupted and we rarely woke up together.

Earla and Leigh-Ann
(I have no idea which is which!)

The problem seems to have been solved, however, by a magical drug that we simply call "Sleep" that helps Leigh-Ann sleep for 7 - 8 hours.

Despite the above the sleep patterns in the Legault household are strange or unconventional to say the least (to me anyway).

Earla and Michel like to retire early and wake around 5:00 am every day. The coffee goes on and the smell percolates throughout the house (that's a good thing).

Leigh-Ann now wakes later at around 7:00 - 8:00 am. I wake 30 - 60 minutes later and Sarah, well, to tell the truth I have no idea.

Michel and Earla then have "naps" during the day. Leigh-Ann dozes on the couch and I stay awake all day.

To say that we are not in sync is an understatement.

Quote of the day: When asked "how are you feeling?" Leigh-Ann replied: "Well, everything is a bit blurry." She then put on her glasses!

55) It's Snow Time - 21st December

We returned from Maui on Monday and stayed overnight in New Westminster, Vancouver, with Leigh-Ann's brother, Bruce and his wife Carol.

The next day we were transported back to Harrison Hot Springs by Earla and Michel and accompanied by Leigh-Ann's daughter, Sarah.

It seemed that as soon as we got back to HHS Leigh-Ann's pain level increased a lot.

Whether the warmth of Maui or being on her honeymoon had helped her physical and mental disposition or whether it was coincidental we will probably never know but her increased pain now we are back is certain.

My Office - Muddy Waters

Being back in HHS, means that the daily routine of cancer is, once again, the norm. Maui was a great diversion, a perfect distraction from reality.

The good news is that Dr Bull, Leigh-Ann's pain specialist, sorted out her pain meds and Leigh-Ann is comfortable once more.

Frozen Ice Cream Shop!

The contrast between Maui and HHS is unmistakable as is the weather. We had about 10 cms of snow yesterday and freezing temperatures. Also there are no palm trees in HHS or hump back whales in the lake...

Earla & Michel's house

Time for a warm fire, films on TV and popcorn. It must be Christmas.

54) Pills, pills, pills - 19th December

I am in charge of Leigh-Ann's medication. 

I make sure that she does not run out and also that she takes what she needs either as scheduled or as the situation demands.

Some of Harrison's Xmas Lights

This was quite daunting at first but now I feel like a Pharmacist. I know what, when and how and also the weird and wonderful names that pharmaceutical companies concoct to make drugs sound more scientific and effective!

"Okay guys, what shall we call this new drug?" "Oxymoranathan? Phonomanenema? Phloxydoctorine?" "We need to call it something that only trained pharmacists can remember and that gives it extra value so we can charge more!"

We do have faith in the drugs prescribed. For some reason we have total confidence that the Canadian authorities would only approve safe, effective medicines. Canadians are like that, super conservative. Naive? Maybe, but what choice do we have anyway.

Leigh-Ann has quite a cocktail cabinet of drugs...

Each morning she takes six pills, one liquid medication, one powder (diluted in water). During the day she takes a further four pills and then in the evening the same as in the morning (less one powder but plus one extra pill).

Electricity is Cheap here!

In addition she has fast acting pain medication that she can take whenever she feels pain. In an average day she will intake around 20-24 pills plus liquid medication and powders.

The drugs are for pain, anti nausea, digestion and sleep! 

The good news is that they work. (Most of the time).

Dr Bull, her Pain Management Specialist visited today and increased the dosage of the pain medication but assured us that Leigh-Ann is still on a low dosage in comparison to other patients.

I collected the new prescription from the local Pharmacy. Our new friend, Mohammed, the Pharmacist, gave us a box of chocolates for Xmas! All Pharmacists should be like Mohammed...